A year from now...

A year from now I hope
Some of these crazy ideas I've dreamed up
Have come to life

A year from now I hope
The connections I've made today
Have grown fabulous branches and entwined with others

A year from now I hope
My home is on the pulse of a city
Alive with urban magic

A year from now I hope
My daughter is full to her brain*
With discovery, adventure and sheer joy

A year from now I hope
My bruised and battered heart is singing
For the joy of new loves

A year from now
A year from now
Can't come soon enough.


* Her phrase!

"Some days it takes an effort to live."

Someone close said that to me the other day, and said it so casually, like it was no big thing. I've said it myself, right here on this blog. I felt alarm and a little anger, because it seemed to make light of the struggle some of face on a daily basis. I guess I was dismayed that something like this was being regarded with such persiflage.

Today, I've been dealing with turmoil within. I am tired, and worrying. Intellectually I know what I have to do, but my emotions are winning, pushing down motivation and stifling action. I feel so enervated and I don't really know why.

Some might consider this a laziness, a lack of character, leading to a dark spiral of hopelessness. Yes, some of us feel things more intensely than others, we're made that way. Being constantly told by everyone that we can control this just makes us feel even more useless, especially when we fail to do so. We're mercurial and often appear to be like overgrown teenagers, kings and queens of our own dramas. I use the plural because I know I am not alone in this.

Aside: I was contacted by someone who wanted a grand, wild romance and I instinctively recoiled from that idea. "What would you damage yourself for?" was one of the questions that he asked. Once upon a time, that would have appealed to me -- oh yes, that mind-blowing, flying close to the sun, almost divine romance would have been my ideal. Damaging myself for that would have been par for the course. He couldn't have known that I'd already been there, done that and nearly bought the farm because of it. I had believed that merging with another person was nirvana. Sounds insane, doesn't it? I've since learned that losing oneself is a kind of madness, a descent that can end in death.

"Stay on target..."

Four weeks to go and I will be done with this current employment. I am filled with trepidation but even as I write this, I can't help smiling. 

The last four have been jammed with activity, both job-seeking and socially, the latter being somewhat more successful thus far. 

I've been waking up in a slight panic the last few days, afraid of what might happen if I don't get anything lined up. It's causing little spurts of paralysis but I have hope. There are things I can do, I just have to have faith and keep going.

I've also been plagued by a past obsession that just won't go away. I know it will pass, I just have to let it run its course and let it fade on its own. But it's an annoying distraction that a part of me -- that part that feels so bereft -- welcomes and can't seem to stop. One of Little Monster's bedtime stories is "Hug Me" by Simona Ciraolo and this part is just like Felipe, the cactus.

"It sucks to be a frown-up."

Sometimes life just kicks you in the gut.

I am currently nursing an emotional bruise which is obviously when I write the most.

A combination of dealing with an old hurt and child wrangling (complete with screaming, kicking, hitting and just plain old wailing) is making me feel vulnerable.

To some, it would seem that I complicate my life unnecessarily. Hell, if I'd met me, I'd think so.

The loneliness has crept back in. Insidious thing loneliness. I think I'd been keeping it at bay but a few nights ago I crumbled. So, I'm on a low. But at least I can recognise it for what it is, and I'm sort of breathing through it I guess. Kind of like breathing through a contraction.

Some days it takes an effort to live. I read an article today about trying not to try. The Chinese Taoists call it 无为 (wu wei), or in the words of Yoda, "Do. There is no try." It's about flow. Some days, my flow says, stay in bed, curl up under the duvet and just cry. Luckily or unluckily, I have a small child who will not be ignored or denied. And luckily for her, I don't have it in me to do so. Yet.

I wish there wasn't so much real life... stuff... to do. I wonder why some of us are so ill-equipped to handle the day to day, and why for some it's... 无为.

"You do it to yourself, you do...just you and no one else."

I don't know how people manage, this living business.

Don't worry, I am not feeling suicidal. Just a little whelmed.

There is so much to do, just to get on. And that's just the day to day stuff. 

I used to be so organised and prided myself on that fact. But these days, I feel like there is too much to do and I get immobilised by the idea. 

But do I do the sensible thing and cut down on what needs to be done? Of course not. I go ahead and quit my job. Why? Because if you find yourself snapping at everyone and on the verge of tears most days, this is not where you should be. 

Yet, I feel lighter, buoyed by the notion that there is an end in sight. I am filled with ideas that I want to try out. 

A friend called me a one woman creative hurricane the other day - yes, I like that. I just need to take action and do some of these wonderful things I've dreamed up!

"Try your best to deal with life without medicating."

I have often wondered about the rhyme "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." It's definitely an adult's way of helping a child cope with taunting - but will it really help? It seems to devalue the power of words. All of human civilisation is connected by words: there are words to inspire, words to kill, words to heal, words to love... even those of us who lack a physical voice or the capacity to hear, still use words to connect with another human being. Would it not be more useful to learn how to use the taunting? Turn it back on the user? And to cope with one's feelings? I think it would be more harmful to believe that words could never hurt us, when In fact, words can do the worst kind of injury: invisible, insidious and enduring.

I had believed the lie, because I was told it as a child. I was told repeatedly by well-meaning adults who could not conceive of emotional hurt. If you couldn't see the injury, of course it wasn't not real or was worth attention. I have learned, at great cost, otherwise.

This gentleman's words from Humans of New York - " that every feeling will pass if you give it time." - crystallised what I'd been learning intuitively recently. It will be something that I will try to teach my daughter, or rather something we will learn to do together. Ignoring or burying emotional pain is only prolonging its existence, and gives it impetus to grow. Just as we shouldn't draw back from happiness (because we're afraid of the cost should it suddenly disappear), we shouldn't turn away from pain, but see it through. 

This too will pass.

"All the best people are."

Last night I had a visit from the Past, and with it came an insight which I wasn't thrilled about since understanding doesn't automatically bring acceptance. I am feeling hurt, and the self-esteem has taken a little battering*, so I am finding it a little hard to use it.

I know I'll get over it eventually, but I was also a little surprised at my own reaction. I had thought that I was safe, that I no longer felt... I was going to say that I was wrong, but even as I type this, I feel it ebbing, when just minutes ago, I felt that ache in my chest, now an echo. So maybe I was right, after all. Perhaps, this is what a memory of feeling is.

Years ago, after the first break down, I learned that emotional pain never really goes away. It comes back when you least expect it, like a dark wave, breaking over the barriers you've so painstakingly built, stone by stone. I am learning to swim through it, but it's hard work and I'm not as robust as I was.

My visitor is one of those who finds me too emotionally driven. I'll say what a dear friend said to that, "All the best people are."

On a positive note, I believe I am now OK with being alone. The idea of dating is decidedly unappealing right now. I think I'd like more frequent company of an adult nature though. That would be most... satisfying.

* I wonder if I will ever meet someone whom I will click with sexually again. And by click, I mean we will find each other equally attractive. Lately, it seems to be either I fancy them but they don't fancy me or vice versa. Or worse, we sort of fancy each other. Sigh.