"Could it be this is all I am?"

Today, I think I will try to revive my inner doodler. I used to draw every day, so I'll try to post a drawing every other day, and see where we get with this.

Goodbyes

I had to say goodbye to someone a couple of days ago.

It wasn't a casual "See-you-later-we'll-catch-up-at-some-point" kind of goodbye - this felt a bit more permanent. I knew that it was extremely unlikely that we would ever see each other again, or even be in touch. We're not connected by social media and there would be no "Hi-how-are-you?" messages. It seemed that we were closing the door on our... I don't actually know what to call what we had. It wasn't a relationship in the couple sense (we weren't one) and friendship doesn't seem to quite cover it either.

I've asked myself why I felt so attached this person numerous times because quite frankly, he was infuriating, often and with great delight on his part. And to him, I was frequently too this, too that, too demanding, to the point of overwhelm. And yet, we kept keeping each other company.

In my quest for self-knowledge and self-control, I am learning the subtle art of letting go. I can be surprisingly and frighteningly persistent -- I know this isn't a bad thing but like all things, too much can be destructive. And so, I will let this go. It will be hard I know, but I have to.

I will miss our what-ifs conversations, our endless speculations. I will miss sharing our stories, dissecting frogs (our ideas of humour being so peculiarly different), winding each other up over ideas and beliefs. I will miss excitedly sharing our discoveries about Life, the Universe and Everything, knowing that the other will "totally get it". I will miss teasing you and being teased by you. Most of all, I will miss hearing your voice, an almost daily occurrence, now gone.

Here's to a new door opening, a fresh chapter starting. So long, and thanks for all the fish.

"Parting is all we know of heaven / And all we need of hell ~"

I am an emotional creature, and I refuse to be ashamed of it. Because, dammit, it means I am alive and that I'm human.

So, I hurt, I yearn, I mourn -- all those things and more. And a couple of times, I had felt like I was in a deep hole that I couldn't climb out of, the only lights, those of an oncoming truck. And I was there, with one foot on the road, in the bright light of day. I didn't take the second step that day, and as I didn't want to be there again, I medicated. Or rather, I increased the dose.

It helped me out of the hole for a while. But I started asking myself, if I could feel so awful while being emotionally flattened, how bad must I really be feeling? It was really time to treat the cause, and not the symptoms.

I took steps and here I am - all aflux with emotions, rolling and tumbling the highs and the lows. Getting hammered as well but also really enjoying the good stuff too, something I haven't felt in a long time.

I am learning self-control again, but I am also learning that I shouldn't hide my feelings too much either, a tough balancing act. Because I want to see you - all of you. And so I will let myself be seen, and be not afraid. Not a fair trade otherwise is it?

I am learning to not let the fear of being hurt again prevent me from being happy. A very good friend is worried that I am torturing myself over an unrequited love. No, I am learning to ride out the pain and trying to mend myself psychologically. I find it odd that we, as a society, have developed this attitude that emotional hurt is "all in the head" and therefore warrants less respect and care. Can you imagine telling someone with a broken leg, oh, just walk it off! It's all in your leg!+

Today, I read an article about getting over heartbreak (How to get over someone) which was reassuring and offered tips on dealing with the symptoms of love sickness* because you know, I need to. I don't agree with all of them but here are the ones I will try to do.

1. Sleep well
2. Take plenty of exercise - fast walking for half an hour a day or at least five times a week
3. De-stress with soothing music (about 80 beats per minute, similar to my heart-rate)
4. Write 'never to be sent letters' to get things off my chest
5. Give myself permission to think about that person but for only 20 minutes a day.

~ Emily Dickinson "Life"
+ Why we all need to practice emotional first aid by Guy Winch
*Love Sick by Frank Tallis


Something else that has helped me think about how I was feeling was Dr Helen Fisher's illuminating TedTalk on "Your Brain in Love".

"Death cannot stop True Love. It can only delay it a little."

I can't believe it's been more than six months since I posted about Reawakening.

As you know, I've been exploring inner space--looking into what makes me tick, why I feel the way I do and think the way I do.

One of the biggest themes I was exploring was romantic love. The most profound thing I learned was that my entire notion of being in love is a purely biological/evolutionary imperative, that lasts about two years at most, just long enough to raise a child out of infancy.

I don't know about you but this is what I believed being in love was: You have a soul mate. And when you meet there will be that bolt of lightning. You will just know that this person is The One. You will not be able to get enough of each of other. You will always be madly in love with each other. Forever! And if anyone objects, screw them! It's us versus the world. Your love will conquer all, will survive all hardship, will overcome all obstacles. True Love is all.

This is what I really believed in my little girl's heart when I met my husband 20 years ago. And I think, still sort of believed up until about a year ago. The break up led to the questions: Where did the love go? When did it die? Was it ever there to begin with? Basically, wtf happened?

I found the answers in science and the answers were uncomfortable but true. These people had done their research and their evidence was compelling.

A New Beginning...

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

Sorry, I just had to do that!

Well, it's done. I am now out on my own with my Little One! And it's been incredible. I can't believe it's only been two months since the move

I've just embarked on an Ideas Adventure with Marianne Cantwell (www.freerangehumans.com) and Selina Barker (www.selinabarker.com). I've also taken the www.16personalities.com personality test (I'm an ENFP in case you're wondering), and just read "A Technique for Producing Ideas", "Love Sick" and "Daring Greatly". As you can tell, I am on a "Know Thyself" trip. But what I really, really wanted to share with you was this: my dream, head-in-the-clouds, totally out there dream life. It was part of an exercise on the Ideas Adventure course, and I love it so much, I felt that I needed to let it out and set it free... So here it is:

What is your life like and why is it so wonderful?

I’ll wake up in the morning, do some home school stuff with my daughter, send her off to a Self-Learning School. While she’s there, I’ll meet with my co-conspirators - our mailbox would be full of requests for projects. We’ll look through them and pick the ones we want to work on. Then we’ll look at the status of the ones we are currently working at, resolve any issues together, then go off and do our bits. Throughout the day we’ll talk about our various tasks/help each other out, at the same time throwing out ideas for the new stuff coming in on the Ideas Board, including ideas for projects we’d like to do that have no end client. We’ll have frequent breaks - there are no official lunch break. People are free to have a siesta if they wish, start late, start early, stay the night if they want. At the end of the day or the point when most people want to go home, we’ll have one last catch up on stuff and go. I’ll pick up my daughter, we’ll have dinner together, tell each other about the brilliant stuff we did that day, tell stories and go to bed, looking forward to tomorrow.

Describe what you are wearing and how you look

Relaxed, wearing whatever I felt like that day.

Where are you? What is your home like?

An office with creative spaces for thinking, putting up inspirational pics/quotes. Comfy sofas/armchairs for working at. A games area for letting off steam, a quiet corner for snoozing or concentration. Each person has their own desk and computer, a space they can customise. There is no dress code or “professional” behaviour code. There is a well-stocked fridge and small cooking area. If you want an alcoholic beverage, tis not a problem. The office is flooded with natural light. There is a rooftop area for “blue sky thinking”. The office is in a tall building somewhere near a park with a pond & wildlife, shops/pubs/eateries are just a minute away on foot. There is a “feel-good” wall - where we put up pics, notes, letters from happy clients, successful events.

My home has a creative space for getting messy, an admin space, a small library, a small kitchen with enough space to roll dough out in. We have an small lawn/garden that my daughter can run up and down in. We each have our own bedrooms with beds big enough for both of us to sleep in. A gardener and cleaner help to keep the place from going to ruin!

We share the house with another mother & child/children - possibly one other single mother with young children. Our home is full of love, laughter and creativity. The walls are covered with our own art, the furniture is eclectic. Everything is secondhand. We always have visitors - friends dropping in, lovers popping in, temporary housemates that shake up the dynamic, introduce new ideas, so we have a healthy mental state.

Who are you with?

People who are also my friends. I don’t think I’ve met them yet! I’d like for R and D to work with me. And SP, and PC, and AM, and C&JW, and... and... wait! I *have* met some them already.

Describe your lifestyle? (Where do you live? What do you enjoy?)

We live in a city, but not a metropolis. Cambridge is pretty good. Or Toronoto.

We enjoy meals out, art galleries, the theatre, quirky cinemas. We travel outside the city often to see friends and family. We enjoy cooking meals for friends and housemates, have many gatherings at ours. Lots of talking and sharing. I enjoy different lovers! Oh, and time to read. An inexhaustible supply of books - we live near a library!

What are your days like? Do they differ throughout the year? 

Filled with interesting conversation, discoveries, learning. No.

Describe what you are doing with your time 

Generating ideas for TV shows, producing some, throwing parties, writing and directing short pieces, mainly promotional stuff. Doing some voice acting, designing small graphic pieces, definitely art directing bigger stuff, like brand creation.

What is the best thing that has happened to you this (fantasy) year? 

An Oscar for SOMETHING - maybe opening titles! Winning an BAFTA for best new series.

From the place of this fantasy life, what advice would you give the real you?

Don’t give up on the dream!