"Parting is all we know of heaven / And all we need of hell ~"

I am an emotional creature, and I refuse to be ashamed of it. Because, dammit, it means I am alive and that I'm human.

So, I hurt, I yearn, I mourn -- all those things and more. And a couple of times, I had felt like I was in a deep hole that I couldn't climb out of, the only lights, those of an oncoming truck. And I was there, with one foot on the road, in the bright light of day. I didn't take the second step that day, and as I didn't want to be there again, I medicated. Or rather, I increased the dose.

It helped me out of the hole for a while. But I started asking myself, if I could feel so awful while being emotionally flattened, how bad must I really be feeling? It was really time to treat the cause, and not the symptoms.

I took steps and here I am - all aflux with emotions, rolling and tumbling the highs and the lows. Getting hammered as well but also really enjoying the good stuff too, something I haven't felt in a long time.

I am learning self-control again, but I am also learning that I shouldn't hide my feelings too much either, a tough balancing act. Because I want to see you - all of you. And so I will let myself be seen, and be not afraid. Not a fair trade otherwise is it?

I am learning to not let the fear of being hurt again prevent me from being happy. A very good friend is worried that I am torturing myself over an unrequited love. No, I am learning to ride out the pain and trying to mend myself psychologically. I find it odd that we, as a society, have developed this attitude that emotional hurt is "all in the head" and therefore warrants less respect and care. Can you imagine telling someone with a broken leg, oh, just walk it off! It's all in your leg!+

Today, I read an article about getting over heartbreak (How to get over someone) which was reassuring and offered tips on dealing with the symptoms of love sickness* because you know, I need to. I don't agree with all of them but here are the ones I will try to do.

1. Sleep well
2. Take plenty of exercise - fast walking for half an hour a day or at least five times a week
3. De-stress with soothing music (about 80 beats per minute, similar to my heart-rate)
4. Write 'never to be sent letters' to get things off my chest
5. Give myself permission to think about that person but for only 20 minutes a day.

~ Emily Dickinson "Life"
+ Why we all need to practice emotional first aid by Guy Winch
*Love Sick by Frank Tallis


Something else that has helped me think about how I was feeling was Dr Helen Fisher's illuminating TedTalk on "Your Brain in Love".