Happy Jar, Sad Jar

My daughter is full to her brain with wisdom.

Our Happy Jar

On 1 January 2016, we started a Happy Jar. The basic premise being, at the end of every day we each write a note describing what made us happy that day. At the end of the year, we'll open the jar and read the notes. Last week, she said 'Mummy, where's the Sad Jar?' and then went on to say that we also need an Angry Jar, Disgust Jar and Fear Jar (you see where she was coming from). And it got me thinking: actually she's right.

Happiness is a good thing* but then so are all the other emotions -- can't have one without the others. It's a complete package. Sometimes, the sad can be overwhelming, and can lead to tragedy. As when anger becomes an all-consuming rage that burns your bridges. Fear can be paralyzing and disgust can lead to shame. Can you have a surfeit of happiness? I imagine that such a thing would be ecstasy, unsustainable and one must come down eventually. Being happy all the time is equally untenable, I should think.

When people talk about being happy, like it should be one's default state, as though to be otherwise is a tragedy, I am always reminded of Buffy's lament in season six: "I was happy... I was warm ... and I was loved ... and I was finished. Complete." Sounds heavenly, right? Well... she was also dead.

I wonder what our "resting" state should be. I know it should not be a constant melancholy (been there: it quickly spirals into a "make it stop" death wish), nor anger (little sparks will sting those around you), nor fear or any of the others. What of happiness? It can only be a force for good, no? Is there a neutral zone, where we feel... nothing? Or are we always feeling?

I am, at this moment, happy. It's a low-level sort of happy, in that I can smile easily and all is right with the world. I wonder how quickly I will reach irritability? Perhaps this is contentment, which is of course, a form of happiness.

I am still looking for that elusive thing called "meaningful work", and I continue to chafe a little at what I perceive as the restrictions of my current situation. But I am beginning to appreciate the opportunities this time is giving me: a deepening understanding of myself, time to really work out what it is that I am seeking, time to be me, something I had spent so many years suppressing.

My friend Yo, whom I spent a perfectly congenial morning enjoying a slow breakfast, asked a pertinent question: what do I value in my life? She suggested that when I know, I should put those things in my life. I think it's sterling advice and something I shall be meditating on. Well, at least let my subconscious chew on it for a while.

In the meantime, my daughter shall have her Sad Jar and together, we'll record both the highs and the lows of this year, like the very best stories and paintings - rich in contrasts.


*But I hesitate at the pursuit of it. It seems counter intuitive to strive for something that should be effortless and light.

Thank you for everything

"We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better." JK Rowling

A month into 2016, and already I have so much to be grateful for.

My right to work in this country is now irrefutable and I have the amazing generosity of my friends to thank for that.

I finally received the money that was due to me after persisting for nearly four months. I couldn't have lasted the journey without the help of my wonderful friend, Master M.

At the end of the year, I had sold a few pieces of art and a meeting with an old friend, K, has given me much food for thought and more impetus to do this as a business.

My contributions to a dating website helped to win them Best Commercial Blog at the UK Dating awards and they have now been shortlisted for the UK Blog Awards.

Connection with an intrepid explorer* is filling me with envy with every message, post, picture he shares, but it's also sowed seeds, awakening the adventurer in me. Bubbling away is a plan... a totally head-in-the-clouds-this-is-impossible idea. Perhaps it will remain a wish, a beautiful dream, but I must try to make it happen.

I renewed a connection with someone I had thought gone, who introduced me to the word saudade, a Portugeuse word that conveys a longing for a person, time or place that is lost.  He's pretty darn awesome.

A coach once observed that I need my own cheer squad -- I am the kind who needs people to push me, encourage me and it's true. I draw my energy, my joy from the people around me. After I left my marriage, quit the day job and basically left every safety net I had constructed, I found myself in a near constant state of feeling bereft. A year on from becoming a single mother, I still feel like I'm missing a piece, but I'm learning to cope. And in the last few weeks, I have come to a realisation and a resolution: Right now, at this time, spending hours and hours by myself is not natural to me. I will stop berating myself for not wanting to be alone, for refusing to accept that state. And you know what? I will no longer allow someone else to tell me I should be.

So, I am taking steps. My friend VL asked what drives me. And the answer was simple: people. Being connected to them meaningfully. I need to be in a situation where I am working with others on a daily basis. And because I am the way I am, quite a number of others to spread the impact. And I have to do this, or I will short out the connections I already have. I have also recently been sharply reminded that I need to be gentle with fledgling connections, something I had forgotten in my enthusiasm and delight. I am sorry they got overwhelmed, and if they choose to come back, I will do my best to accommodate them. Another reason to change the status quo sooner rather than later.

I am still trying to figure out what is the best version of myself, and will I ever recognise it if I ever achieve it? I do know this: when I am 80, in the wee wee hours of the night, when I am alone with myself, I want to have a wealth of memories of a life lived well to make me smile.

Here's to a future worth writing about.

* Who led me to this brilliant song, the soundtrack to today's post.