I'd been throwing myself a pity party. It was a good one, it went on for a couple of weeks.
I had been feeling... well, somewhat unloved, I guess. Recently, two people I adore said 'I don't know when I'm free ' when I asked if they would like to meet up. Those exact words. From both of them. Out of context, and without knowing the full story behind my relationship with these two, it would be easy to dismiss them, flick 'em the Vs and say 'Sod you, then!'
Intellectually, I understand, and accept, that they lead extremely different lives from me, and that if the positions were reversed, I am sure I would have done the same. Emotionally, I was having trouble.
So let's analyse why I should feel so hurt. I suppose, given how close we were, I expected somehow that they would value my company as much as I valued theirs. That if I was part of their lives, then I'd already be part of the schedule.
The brutal truth was: I am not. They are a part of mine, but I am very resolutely not a part of theirs. I merely orbit their "real" lives.
The key word above is adore. I do. I like them exceedingly -- that's the problem. I get too attached to people, which makes me vulnerable. I hurt easily these days.
It's remarkable how an afternoon spent in a garden with a kind friend can make a difference.Marcel Proust said that people who make us happy are the gardeners that make our souls blossom. I am deeply, deeply thankful for those who are at the core of my life. They nourish my spirit and I hope I do the same for them. My life would be so much less without them in it. These are the ones I see every day, every week, every month -- the important thing here is that I see them. See, hear, touch, breathe the same air, eat the same food, share the same space. They are my real life. Unlike these two. Sure, our lives intersected a few times but all we really have are words on a screen and a few brilliant days.
The practical thing now is to let these two go from my life: cut the ties, say goodbye. But... Today, I experienced a shift in perspective. Subconscious me had been percolating this for weeks -- I'd been so concerned about how they relate to me that I hadn't really considered how I relate to them. I finally really understood that relationships built from mostly text messages are like spun sugar constructions*. Light, delicate, and sometimes, breathtakingly beautiful, but oh so fragile - easily disintegrated with just one breath. Or one message.
I realised that I'd become too dependent on the medium to sustain my friendship with them. Just because they don't keep in touch as often as I want, doesn't mean that they don't value my friendship. It's easy to come to that conclusion but the reality is often not so.
My happiness is my own responsibility -- sometimes I forget that. I can't control how they act, but I can control how I react^. So, I shall re-direct my restlessness and energy to nurturing the friendships that occur outside my phone, the ones closer to home, the ones I can enrich with my senses.
I miss my two but I know the best course for me is to stop trying to get them to do what I want, that is, to be a more substantial part of each other's lives. Our friendship may wither away. Or maybe it will die down for a season or two, to be revived and blossom even more beautifully later on in our lives.
Pity party over.
*Or Doozer sticks!
^ Well, most of the time.
