Since I last posted, my life has been shaken up and continues to be tumbled around. It's been tumultuous to say the least and pretty much all of it was instigated by me.
I can't really go into details here (much as I really, really want to) but I need to write about it. I am diarist who needs to be read. I find that I simply cannot write and not show it to anyone!
If you've been reading this blog and the its sister, you know that I am married with a little girl. I have been married for nearly 20 years but I have only been a mother for less than five.
In that time, I have made it through mental illnesses (yes, plural) and a suicide attempt on top of all the regular stuff that couples live with.
For a while now, I had been struggling with a terrible need to make a significant change to my life - I was constantly casting about to do something different. I felt that maybe I needed a new job, new projects, new activities - but none of it fit. I simply couldn't seem to follow through on anything.
Then I followed through on one, amazing, awful, thing.
And I found myself unfurling. I found that I had wings. That I could fly. I was so intensely, apparently happy that strangers noticed and smiled back at me.
I was on the crest of this wave of well-being when the epiphany occurred. I suddenly realised that I had been deeply, deeply unhappy for a very long time. If I wanted to feel like this again, I needed to break a promise I had made a long time ago.
This was the significant I change I needed to make to save my life.
The bomb has been dropped. I feel guilty about the cost - no one with an ounce of compassion could not - but I am doing everything in my power to mitigate the fall out.
