"It sucks to be a frown-up."

Sometimes life just kicks you in the gut.

I am currently nursing an emotional bruise which is obviously when I write the most.

A combination of dealing with an old hurt and child wrangling (complete with screaming, kicking, hitting and just plain old wailing) is making me feel vulnerable.

To some, it would seem that I complicate my life unnecessarily. Hell, if I'd met me, I'd think so.

The loneliness has crept back in. Insidious thing loneliness. I think I'd been keeping it at bay but a few nights ago I crumbled. So, I'm on a low. But at least I can recognise it for what it is, and I'm sort of breathing through it I guess. Kind of like breathing through a contraction.

Some days it takes an effort to live. I read an article today about trying not to try. The Chinese Taoists call it 无为 (wu wei), or in the words of Yoda, "Do. There is no try." It's about flow. Some days, my flow says, stay in bed, curl up under the duvet and just cry. Luckily or unluckily, I have a small child who will not be ignored or denied. And luckily for her, I don't have it in me to do so. Yet.

I wish there wasn't so much real life... stuff... to do. I wonder why some of us are so ill-equipped to handle the day to day, and why for some it's... 无为.

"You do it to yourself, you do...just you and no one else."

I don't know how people manage, this living business.

Don't worry, I am not feeling suicidal. Just a little whelmed.

There is so much to do, just to get on. And that's just the day to day stuff. 

I used to be so organised and prided myself on that fact. But these days, I feel like there is too much to do and I get immobilised by the idea. 

But do I do the sensible thing and cut down on what needs to be done? Of course not. I go ahead and quit my job. Why? Because if you find yourself snapping at everyone and on the verge of tears most days, this is not where you should be. 

Yet, I feel lighter, buoyed by the notion that there is an end in sight. I am filled with ideas that I want to try out. 

A friend called me a one woman creative hurricane the other day - yes, I like that. I just need to take action and do some of these wonderful things I've dreamed up!

"Try your best to deal with life without medicating."

I have often wondered about the rhyme "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." It's definitely an adult's way of helping a child cope with taunting - but will it really help? It seems to devalue the power of words. All of human civilisation is connected by words: there are words to inspire, words to kill, words to heal, words to love... even those of us who lack a physical voice or the capacity to hear, still use words to connect with another human being. Would it not be more useful to learn how to use the taunting? Turn it back on the user? And to cope with one's feelings? I think it would be more harmful to believe that words could never hurt us, when In fact, words can do the worst kind of injury: invisible, insidious and enduring.

I had believed the lie, because I was told it as a child. I was told repeatedly by well-meaning adults who could not conceive of emotional hurt. If you couldn't see the injury, of course it wasn't not real or was worth attention. I have learned, at great cost, otherwise.

This gentleman's words from Humans of New York - " that every feeling will pass if you give it time." - crystallised what I'd been learning intuitively recently. It will be something that I will try to teach my daughter, or rather something we will learn to do together. Ignoring or burying emotional pain is only prolonging its existence, and gives it impetus to grow. Just as we shouldn't draw back from happiness (because we're afraid of the cost should it suddenly disappear), we shouldn't turn away from pain, but see it through. 

This too will pass.