"All the best people are."

Last night I had a visit from the Past, and with it came an insight which I wasn't thrilled about since understanding doesn't automatically bring acceptance. I am feeling hurt, and the self-esteem has taken a little battering*, so I am finding it a little hard to use it.

I know I'll get over it eventually, but I was also a little surprised at my own reaction. I had thought that I was safe, that I no longer felt... I was going to say that I was wrong, but even as I type this, I feel it ebbing, when just minutes ago, I felt that ache in my chest, now an echo. So maybe I was right, after all. Perhaps, this is what a memory of feeling is.

Years ago, after the first break down, I learned that emotional pain never really goes away. It comes back when you least expect it, like a dark wave, breaking over the barriers you've so painstakingly built, stone by stone. I am learning to swim through it, but it's hard work and I'm not as robust as I was.

My visitor is one of those who finds me too emotionally driven. I'll say what a dear friend said to that, "All the best people are."

On a positive note, I believe I am now OK with being alone. The idea of dating is decidedly unappealing right now. I think I'd like more frequent company of an adult nature though. That would be most... satisfying.

* I wonder if I will ever meet someone whom I will click with sexually again. And by click, I mean we will find each other equally attractive. Lately, it seems to be either I fancy them but they don't fancy me or vice versa. Or worse, we sort of fancy each other. Sigh.