Void - Space - Emptiness - Vacuum

Tanya Davis wrote this beautiful poem about how to be alone: https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs

I've been pondering how to do this as I don't think I've ever been alone. Since the split, a part of me has been on the constant look out for a partner even though I know I really do not need one right now. Intellectually, I know I need to heal, to be happy with myself and my (mis)deeds, to be present for my child, and not to complicate my already complex life with another person's mosaic*.

But there is what seems to be quite a large void within me, that keeps signalling loudly that it needs to be filled. I know it should not be with another person but with... I struggle to fill this bit.

I read a lot about how one should find validation within oneself, but very little practical advice on how to do so or indeed what this actually means. And then there is the very definition of validation - seeking approval, is it? Is that it?

I wonder why I haven't instantly filled that space with my daughter - which seems, given my proclivities, to be the natural thing to do. I mean, when I was still tethered, I turned my attention to her much more. Perhaps it was a combination of the withdrawal of pharmaceutical aid and the re-birth of my identity+?

I often doubt my fitness to be a mother. I also sometimes doubt my fitness to be a friend, wife and colleague. I have a terrible suspicion that I am a lost cause and that people humour me out of pity.

It is at this point that I give myself a slap and go read a book, watch something inspiring or do some exercise. Distraction from the call of depression can be quite effective. It's whether or not you notice as it's quite insidious and can take you by surprise.

Frogs being boiled and all that.^

*Beautiful and fascinating as it may be. I love staring at mosaics, and following the patterns. I am astounded by the patience of the artists to place each tile.
+A very protracted process it seems. I suspect the answer to Who Am I will be constantly changing.
^ Not to be mistaken for frogs being dissected. That's for jokes.