Three Most Excellent Days

What we got up to this Easter weekend

I am sat in the midst of the bombsite that is my living room on Easter Sunday -- Little Monster had decided to fling everything out of various drawers and my wardrobe around -- and feeling grateful for the amazing last few days.

My long weekend began with a tremendously fruitful meeting with a client up North. We got on like a house on fire, and I honestly believe this is the start of a brilliant working relationship*.

Business aside, my personal life has also been wonderful.

Every day that I get to go to work, I am grateful for the generosity of my dear friend A. His kindness has been nothing short of staggering. But for him and his equally awesome wife, I would not be here, cheerfully lamenting the mess in my living room.

Serendipity has been bringing another just as big-hearted friend, Yo, more often into my orbit. Little Monster and I had been in town late one evening, unusual itself for that time of day, when I saw her in front of us. I called out to her and it turned out that she had been trying to find my number on her phone right at that minute! The result was a lovely dinner together that time, and a few days later, this morning, a traditional Polish Easter brunch which culminated in us just hanging out in my living room playing with Little Monster till dusk.

Saturday, Little Monster and I decided to visit High Lodge Thetford Forest.

Eep! We may be lost!

In my naivety, I thought we would be able to get there on foot from the train station. Oh, we did all right, but by criminy it took a long time. We followed the map but were faced with roads and no pedestrian walkways, so detoured onto "public footpaths" into the forest. We wound up trekking through the trees with a vague idea that we should head towards traffic "over there" to get on the road to High Lodge. There was a minute or two where I thought I might have gotten us lost as we'd gone off the beaten path, and were trudging through undergrowth, following the sound of cars.

Alas, poor crocodile,
we knew him well.

Finally,we found the road that led to High Lodge and ran on to it. By then, we had been walking for over an hour and were just a tad tired. To our dismay, the road to our destination seemed endless. Roadside banners teased us with what was ahead, but twenty minutes or so in and there was still just road ahead. So we started hitching! It was my first time doing so, and bubs really got into the spirit of it, I was so proud of her. At least ten vehicles passed us by before one family stopped and offered us a lift. Thank goodness for small acts of compassion.

I must say, our seemingly epic journey was worth it. High Lodge Thetford Forest is a child's wonderland, full of delightfully challenging structures for climbing, sliding, jumping and all those things kids love. We gravitated instantly to the breathtakingly tall, winding slide and Little Monster just grinned and grinned and grinned. I think her cheeks must have been aching by the time we had to go.

Sympathy for the Monster

We spent the afternoon running from area to area and trying just about everything. My favourite section was the sound play area, the bells, gongs, sound pillows were enchanting. There were even story trails like the Stick Man and The Gruffalo. We had lunch in what they charmingly called The Pantry and finished on the giant see-saw. All that and we still hadn't exhausted all that the Forest offered: there was Go Ape, and archery, and a bouncy slide, and I am sure there are places we hadn't yet discovered. The only downer was that we had to get a taxi back to the station -- walking it was out of the question. The fare was shocking to say the least. Thankfully, I had just enough cash to pay for it. A thoroughly good day was had by all.

Just one of the Wild Play places

On the romantic (?**) front, things have been unexpected. This weekend I enjoyed the company of two people who were facing extraordinary challenges. One was pulling himself out from under a traumatic past, and the other was coming to terms with a gradually worsening condition that would drastically alter his life. Both of them have shown remarkable strength and grit, and I feel privileged that I am a part of their journey, even if it is but a slight one. Getting to know them has put my own life into perspective, but it has also made me consider my role at this particular point in theirs. For that, I am humbly thankful. I look forward to our next encounters and hope we grow to be good friends.

I have so much to be grateful for. Even the times when I am at a loss to know what to do with Little Monster, the times when I am almost in tears because she's desperate for a playmate and I just cannot be that. The times when all I can do is lay in bed, incapable of action. Thankfully, those times are brief and mere blips in an otherwise brilliant life.

*Workship? Businesship?
** I don't know how to name what it is that I do. I don't exactly date, in that my purpose in meeting new people is not to find love in the conventional sense. I suppose you might call it cultivating companionships.

Volcano, the Fire-Breathing Piglet

I have been terribly distracted of late. Unsurprising really -- new job, new people. The things that should be important (money -- cue eye roll) have fallen by the wayside. But this new chapter is awfully exciting, so I'm enjoying every minute I can.

 Last night, Little Monster asked me to tell her a "made up story", that is, one I make up on the spot. And I loved telling it so much, I thought I'd share it here.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then let us begin.

Once there was a Little Monster who wouldn't go to bed. Mama, in despair, asked her what-oh-what would do the trick?  And she replied 'A fire-breathing piglet.'

So Mama went outside and gathered earth, clay, some leaves and water from the Weeping Rock. With these ingredients, she sculpted a piglet. She brought it inside and showed it to Little Monster, who clapped in delight. 

Mama said 'We need something for the fire and I know just thing.' She smiled wickedly and went out again. This time she sneaked into Little Monster's father's house and stole a lighter. Into the belly of the piglet it went with a pop.

It was perfect, but how to bring it to life? pondered Mama and Little Monster. 

Then Little Monster said 'Evil Queen, under the volcano!' Mama's eyebrow went up. (Under? Under!)

So off she went.

Mama travelled through a jungle alive with man-eating flora, swirling dusty deserts that choked, and an ocean filled with enormous sea-monsters. Finally, she reached the Evil Queen's volcano (all this took five long, drawn-out seconds). 

She knocked on the door.

'WHAT IS IT!?' roared the Evil Queen as she flung it open. 'Oh, it's you.'

Mama raised her other eyebrow. 'Do we know each other?'

The Evil Queen rolled her eyes and banged the side of her head. 'Sorry, I am ahead of myself. We will do. Start again. What do you want? Come, come. I'm busy. Kingdoms to destroy, Princesses to poison, you know the drill.'

Mama told her about the piglet. The Evil Queen sighed a great big sigh, then snatched it out of Mama's hands and threw it into the volcano.

There was a loud WHOOMPH! and out of the lava flew, flew,  Little Monster's piglet. It was a sight to behold. It came to Mama and settled in her arms, a little sooty but clearly quite content.

'Now, shoo! Tell your Little Monster, she owes me a favour,' said the Evil Queen and slammed the door behind Mama.

Mama made it home via the Hundred Acre Woods, which we won't ever talk about again (smoking ruins, thanks for the suggestion Adam), and presented Little Monster with her very own fire-breathing piglet.

There was much mutual squealing and cuddling. 

'What shall we call her?' asked Mama, as she settled both of them into bed.

Little Monster replied with delighted glowing eyes, 'Volcano!'

And thus ends our tale of Volcano, the Fire-Breathing Piglet.

Occupied! Love and other matters of import

Grateful that I could stop and stare.

Last Friday, I stopped in a park to watch the birds in a field and felt... content.

The Happy Jar is quite full but we've not been committed to writing a note every day. Predictably, Little Monster lost interest a few weeks back, and I haven't been religiously writing one at the end of every day, but I try. Each happy note makes me smile -- it is like re-savouring a great meal.

Astonishingly, I have been offered employment! I have now completed a week's worth and the boss hasn't told me not to come back. It's a job I've never done before and certainly did not think it was something I could be good at. We shall see.

I still aspire to start my own business and write that screenplay (among other things) and Subconscious Me is still pondering what I value in my life. Early reports suggest the following: time for myself to explore inner space and be creative;  rich, multi-layered relationships, however ephemeral; deep friendships; and time with people to talk, laugh and just be. Oh, and love. Always love.

I am also continuing to meet a wonderful plethora of beautiful, interesting people. The latest has been especially fascinating. And... enchanting. I may be in danger here of liking them a little too much. It would be very easy to fall and fall hard. So, I am being especially careful with this one. Fortunately, actual, physical distance is conducive and it will be quite a while before we would be able to physically meet. For all I know, it could burn out before then.

My life feels satisfyingly full at the moment, despite the goals left unmet, the tasks left undone. I am still penurious, and a part of me yearns to be on different soil. But for now, I am grateful, deeply so, for the wonderful things that have occurred and the marvellous souls I have had the pleasure of meeting.

"Does the walker choose the path, or the path, the walker?"

~ Garth Nix, Sabriel, and all his books of The Old Kingdom*.

 

Today, I turned 42.

I'm learning that one needs the bounce-backability of a child to weather the storms of a fresh start. And I've had two pretty big ones in the last 12 months.

A year ago, I was stumbling amid the burning debris of my broken home. But I wasn't alone. My family and friends held me up and showed me how much they cared. On this day, I was treated with such kindness, and I felt so loved. And today -- this week -- has been no different.

Two months ago, I left a secure (-ish) job because I found myself in a constant state of rage. As someone who had suffered with depression twice, I knew this state would inevitably lead to a deep, dark hole. And drugs would only camouflage the journey. If I didn't change my situation, I would lose myself and my daughter will know someone she called 'mum' but it wouldn't be me.

So I quit with nothing to go to. I've been looking for work and set up a small shop but for some reason I still haven't got my site up and my creative consultant pitch remains unformed.

The last few weeks have been particularly trying - I ran out of money and had to ask for help.

This year, too, I faced my daughter's entry to big school. I worried about her settling into that society; I worried that she would hate it and refuse to go. After initially being cross most of the time (her teacher's description) she's settled in. And I am so proud that she's now able to demonstrate care for others. It was my greatest fear that she would be incapable of empathy.

In the last week, I've also been distractingly preoccupied by things I can't have. Or more precisely, people I can't have. I have no idea what is up with me. It's damned unhelpful.

On the other hand, my alter ego won me a writing gig. No cash, but opened up a personal avenue that I hadn't realised I craved. I also sold a short story, a voice over and a bedtime story. Just a couple of days ago, I made a new connection and a possible new venture has unfolded. It's terribly ENFP of me, all these little projects here and there, but it's also grin-inducingly exciting.

My dear friend, Irish, took me out for lunch the other day and observed that I was really happy.
And you know what, despite the lack of money, companionship, despite the distractions and the worries? I find that, yes, I really am. Truly, deeply so.


*Henry Rollins once derided a date for reading the Harry Potter books because she was a grown woman and shouldn't be reading children's books. Much as I love Henry, he's an idiot in this. Just because you're a grown up, doesn't mean you have to abandon the child in you, doesn't mean you should dismiss childish things.

Mix Tape: An Expression of Love

Since I bought my first music tape from a door to door salesperson in an HDB high-rise in Toa Payoh, I've always enjoyed making my own mixes. The 80s were especially challenging since I only had a single deck tape recorder and my pocket money wasn't enough to buy me a tape-to-tape. I used to record the top 40 tracks I loved off a TV programme called Skytrax (Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush just wasn't getting any radio air play at the time for some reason!) and TV theme tunes (anyone remember MASK?).

Inevitably, I graduated from tapes to CDs, and started mixing them up with spoken word tracks and comedy excerpts. Eddie Izzard, Bob Newhart and Henry Rollins made frequent appearances, as did the inimitable Tom Leher. I sought out readings -- Neil Gaiman is wonderful to listen to as well as read - interesting cover versions, and just cool sound. I suppose it's a habit I picked up as a promo producer - picking out the kicker lines or that intriguing clip. (I never went on to do mini-discs but I did learn how to edit reel-to-reel with a scalpel and a chinagraph pencil!)

The thing I liked best about making them, was writing out the tracks. I sort of wish I'd made images of all the covers and designs I'd done. This is the only one I took a copy of as I wanted to make a print for the case. I never planned them, I just let the pen take its own path. Well, I say never, I usually have a theme or an image at the back of my mind, but I didn't do a draft before I put ink to disc or paper, so each one was unique. (It had never occurred to me that I would make a mistake until one recipient pointed it out. Hasn't changed the way I make these things though!)

As to why I made them - lots of reasons, but mainly because I wanted to share the small pleasures I got from listening to these tracks. I once did a mix to be played at someone's work. At the time, this was someone I loved to my near destruction. I didn't actually make conscious choices about the tracks - only that they would have a timeless quality, so old classics. The mix... well, what came out elicited this lovely observation: "Wow, your wife must really love you."

Looking back at my choices in all my mixes, yes, they really were expressions of love, of my regard for the recipients. They had all been chosen with care and often, the subconscious me would add her own, much more meaningful, selection.

If you have images of a mix tape you'd made or CD or even a link to a YouTube playlist, I'd love to see/hear them. Pop them in the comments.

In the meantime, keep sharing the love.