Occupied! Love and other matters of import

Grateful that I could stop and stare.

Last Friday, I stopped in a park to watch the birds in a field and felt... content.

The Happy Jar is quite full but we've not been committed to writing a note every day. Predictably, Little Monster lost interest a few weeks back, and I haven't been religiously writing one at the end of every day, but I try. Each happy note makes me smile -- it is like re-savouring a great meal.

Astonishingly, I have been offered employment! I have now completed a week's worth and the boss hasn't told me not to come back. It's a job I've never done before and certainly did not think it was something I could be good at. We shall see.

I still aspire to start my own business and write that screenplay (among other things) and Subconscious Me is still pondering what I value in my life. Early reports suggest the following: time for myself to explore inner space and be creative;  rich, multi-layered relationships, however ephemeral; deep friendships; and time with people to talk, laugh and just be. Oh, and love. Always love.

I am also continuing to meet a wonderful plethora of beautiful, interesting people. The latest has been especially fascinating. And... enchanting. I may be in danger here of liking them a little too much. It would be very easy to fall and fall hard. So, I am being especially careful with this one. Fortunately, actual, physical distance is conducive and it will be quite a while before we would be able to physically meet. For all I know, it could burn out before then.

My life feels satisfyingly full at the moment, despite the goals left unmet, the tasks left undone. I am still penurious, and a part of me yearns to be on different soil. But for now, I am grateful, deeply so, for the wonderful things that have occurred and the marvellous souls I have had the pleasure of meeting.

"Apologies for the delay to your service..."

It's been eight weeks since my corporate job ended and I launched myself into the great unknown.

I've signed up with various recruitment agents, created a profile on Freelancer.com and finally uploaded my work on Vimeo.

But...

I've been hesitating about actually producing my creative CV. Stalling about contacting those great companies I would love to do work for. When I actually sit down and start, I become paralysed.

I met a personal trainer this week - not as a client, but on a date - and he certainly had interesting things to say about fear and failure. I don't think I've ever met anyone with such indomitable belief in himself* -- it was almost breathtaking. He's right of course.

Google "procastination" and its causes, and fear is the number one answer. So the question is, what am I afraid of precisely? That the people I contact will look at what I have to offer and go pfft. That I'm not actually as good as I think I am. That I'm kidding myself. Round and round, ad infinitum.

I know what I need to do, but I am struggling to move, even though the prospect of impending poverty is making me slightly sick.

But I am moving, even though it feels like I'm moving through peanut butter.

*It also helps that he's not yet 30. The date itself was lovely -- he made me laugh, cry(!) and feel wonderful. It was a much needed lift to a grey day.